When you're struggling, whether it's with anxiety, low mood, depression, or something you can’t quite name, it’s common to get stuck in a loop of self-criticism. You might find yourself thinking, “I should be doing better,” or “Why can’t I just get over this?” These thoughts can feel like problem-solving, but in reality, they often keep us stuck.
The Transformative Role of Self-Compassion in CBT
In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), we know that how we talk to ourselves deeply affects how we feel and behave. One of the most powerful, and often overlooked, tools in healing is self-compassion. This is not just a buzzword or a feel-good phrase; self-compassion is a skill you can build. And it might just be the missing piece in your healing process.
Why Self-Compassion Matters
Think of a time when a close friend was having a hard time. You likely offered kindness, understanding, and patience, maybe even encouraged them to take a break or reminded them of their strengths. Think of the positive impact this had on them. Now ask yourself: Do you offer yourself that same kind of care?
If not, you're not alone. Many of us have internalized the idea that we need to be hard on ourselves to improve. But research shows the opposite. It narrows our thinking and fuels unhelpful beliefs like “I’m a failure” or “Nothing I do will ever be enough.” Self-criticism has been linked to increased depression and anxiety, while self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience and psychological well-being (Gilbert & Procter, 2006).
Self-compassion doesn’t mean ignoring problems or giving up. It means acknowledging pain without judgment and responding with care. Using a CBT framework can help reduce automatic negative thoughts and create the space for realistic, balanced thinking, which is a core part of the therapeutic process.
Team Voices: Here is what one of our providers at Cognito has to say:
“When I find myself criticizing how I do things, or referring to myself in a rude or even an insulting way, I remind myself I am human, I am allowed to make mistakes, that I am doing what I can with the amount of information and tools available, and I am enough” – Daniel Arjona, Medical Office Assistant
Building Self-Compassion the CBT Way
So, how do we build self-compassion when it doesn’t come naturally? By using the CBT framework, we work to challenge unhelpful thought patterns and replace them with more supportive alternatives. That includes how we speak to ourselves.
One CBT strategy is to externalize your self-talk: Imagine your thoughts were being spoken aloud to someone you love. Would you say, “You’re so weak for feeling this way”? Probably not. You might instead say, “It’s okay to struggle, you’re doing your best right now.” That shift is compassion in action.
Another helpful practice is identifying cognitive distortions such as all-or-nothing thinking or catastrophizing. These cognitive distortions fuel self-criticism. Once we name those patterns, we can reframe them. For example, instead of thinking “I ruined everything,” reframing can help us say, “I made a mistake, but that doesn’t define me.” This shift softens self-judgment and supports healthier coping through creating alternative thought patterns.
We also encourage clients to develop self-soothing strategies that align with compassion. That might include journaling, breathing techniques, guided imagery, or simply placing a hand on the heart and saying, “This is hard right now, and I’m here for myself.” These small actions reinforce the message: I matter, even when I’m hurting.
You Deserve the Same Kindness You Give to Others
Healing is not about perfection. It’s about progress, patience, and the courage to meet yourself where you are at. Self-compassion provides the foundation for doing that. It helps you step out of harsh inner narratives and into a space where growth becomes possible.
If self-compassion feels unfamiliar, that’s okay. Like any skill, it takes time to build. And you don’t have to figure it out alone.
At Cognito, we help you learn to quiet that inner critic, cope with challenging mental health symptoms, and build tools that support lasting change. If you're ready to explore this work with guidance and support, we’re here to walk alongside you.
Check out our FAQs to learn more about how CBT can support your healing. You are worth the effort.
Written by: Anna Spilker
References:
Gilbert, P., & Procter, S. (2006). Compassionate mind training for people with high shame and self-criticism: Overview and pilot study of a group therapy approach. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 13(6), 353–379
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